GuruGobind, Molding the Clay

On this GuruPurnima, here is my attempt to pay respects to my guru – Jagadguru Badri Shankaracharya, Shri Krishnanand Teertha Mahaswami.

Even as I write this name that honours the lineage and the generational flame of light he carries, I can only think of him as the relatable, understanding, and compassionate person who smiles when he sees me and says my name – Keerti.

Carl Jung said that there are no coincidences. So, when I look back, Guruji coming into my life or gracing my life wasn’t a coincidence either. Much before I took a decision that became a turning point, I met Guruji in an unplanned manner. I remember the day as if it was yesterday.

It was a Saturday afternoon and I was done with my office work. I think the year was 2011 or 2012. I was ready for the weekend off so I picked up my phone and called a friend to check her weekend plans. She said she was going to a temple within the next hour. I asked if I could also join her too – I love going to temples. So, within half an hour of making the plan, I was waiting at a corner of a road for my friend to pick me up.

When we reached the temple, I paid my respects to the deities and then was just walking around. The deity looked a little different than what I normally see. There were 3 of them – each carved out of a black stone – vermilion and flowers around the silk draped around

them. I did a parikrama and then we climbed to the first floor of the building. The landing of the stairs opened to a big hall – at the end of the hall was a small silver mandir like the one we have at home – but a bigger version. The area was cordoned off with a short wooden barrier. On one corner inside the cordoned off area, was a figure in rust orange robe. My friend was called to meet him. I glanced at him. In the next few minutes, I was called too. With his gaze on me, he asked my friend – who is this? My friend answered for me while I was just looked at him – afraid of giving in to a sort of knowing that I felt. It is still hard to describe what it felt like.

After that, my inner journey had accelerated. I remember my nighttime dreams started getting chaotic by the day. Now I know that this was perhaps a call from the unconscious. I didn’t know it then. Neither was there a container to help me explore my dreams. Every morning I would wake up with a dream as if I was coming from another planet.

In this rich unconscious life, it wasn’t a surprise that my external reality of my work and job tasks started falling apart. Not in the sense that it didn’t work, but I couldn’t work in it – it seemed too much to handle, like requiring a lot of effort. I started reading books on spirituality – Autobiography of a Yogi, Paul Brunton, Sri M, Sri Yukteshwar Giri, Lahiri Mahasaya, Dalai Lama, etc. Each book that I read took me a few inches away from my current reality – I couldn’t enjoy with the ‘normal’ ways that people around me seemed to enjoy – dinners, parties, travel, movies, promotions, etc.

There were periods when I would envy the ordinary life – when everything is as per plan that was made generations ago and I saw them live a satisfied life. And here I was – already on my way out. It was like dying before dying. What was I seeking?

Every morning when I would leave my house for work – I had this strong urge to simply walk and walk – away from this ‘everyday’ and simply let my feet carry me wherever they decided. Then there were times when I wanted to simply get into a cave and be one with the heartbeat of the earth.

Later my inner work journey took me to other internal and external landscapes, which is for another post. It was my journey of traversing my individuality before I looked to be together in relationships.

Somewhere it is written that accepting and being accepted by a Guru is like attaching an umbilical cord between a mother and a child. I took my time in owning my place at Guruji’s lotus feet. In 2016, he accepted me as his disciple with a mantra deeksha. I am moved by his grace.

Today as I look back on GuruPurnima, I know that Guruji’s gaze awakened something in me that day when he asked who I was; it started my journey of exploring ‘who am I’. Perhaps, it was the right time like a ripened fruit to fall or perhaps the right time was created after that to sow the seed of a new becoming.

If like Arnold Mindell says that the seed of the relationship is in the first meeting, then every time I meet Guruji, I am in touch with this question of ‘who I am’. In the muth which is a peetham with its structure, rites and rituals, I am many things – a Brahmin, a woman, an unmarried woman, fair, utilitarian.

While, when I stand in front of Guruji, I am simply a soul enjoying the bliss of being in the stream of his magnificent presence – the essence, the tao, the unconscious.

And perhaps, when I come back from a visit, my task is to silence the consensus reality world voice that answers that question of ‘who am I’, and to get in touch with the spirit or the unconscious or the essence of my deep presence.

I am reminded of an interview when Carl Jung was asked whether he believed god, he replied that he didn’t need to believe, he knew. I know god through Guruji: the blessings, the strength, and the solidity in my spirit that presents itself in any situation.

गुरु गोविंद दोऊ खड़े, काके लागूं पाए, बलिहारी गुरु आपने, गोविन्द दियो बताय। कबीर…गोविन्द दियो बताय।

यह तन विष की बेलरी, गुरु अमृत की खान, सीस दिए से गुरु मिले, वो भी सस्ता जान। कबीर…वो भी सस्ता जान।

Offering my self at his lotus feet of Guruji, I bow to the source of infinite wisdom, light, and love that presents itself in my life in his form.

कोटि कोटि प्रणाम गुरुदेव